As NIBA Commishioner Garrett White frantically struggles to ensure that all of his GM's do not abandon him for tomorrow night's draft in favor of a Baywatch re-run, a new power is beginning to resurrect itself in NIBA. Armed with the power of immunity to SARS due to long-time exposure, and the uncanny CIA-wanted skill of being able to speak French, the Montreal Expos have stormed the NIBA and are going to make their presence felt. Now to all of you still reading this, I congratulate you, as I guarantee that there may be 2 or 3 of you that actually continue to read this after this short, yet semi-entertaining call-out to you, our reader base.
In recent weeks, a new aura of excitement has hit the area surrounding the Stadium De Olympique. With the Expos re-emergence from hibernation, the fans of the city have decided that they may as well begin to cheer on their boys in blue white and red. Oh my god, can you believe it, the French, or well, the French-Canadians actually cheering on something that shares colors with the American flag! Hard to believe init? That's right folks, I just said init, let's make this a diverse little press report, by using references to Canada, America, and British slang! Aiight G? Good....
So now as we all sit here, and I write this to get my salary, or in this case, these bid points which only the big G himself knows if hes keeping track of because I don't see a link on the website, I'm going to fill up your minds with a bunch of BS about how I think my team is da bomb, los mierdes de la NIBA, and whatever else your heart desires me to tell you. I'm going to hype you up so much that you're going to believe my Expos are the next greatest thing to come out of Canada since the phrase "eh" and Steve Nash of the Dallas Mavericks. I'm going to hype you up so much that by the end of this e-mail you will want to buy an ugly Expo's jersey, want to see a game in our ugly stadium, and come visit the city of Montreal... we do after all have a 18 year old drinking age :-). Hear that AMMY pool players... an 18 year old drinking age.... remember that when we pick you and your fat self is put into a major league roster to warm up our bench.... you can be drunk, sober, high, whatever, this is Canada baby! This ain't your momma's baseball team....
At this point in time, if you're still with me, great. Here's a tip for all of you college kids out there if you'd like to piss off a neighbor. Get a giant 30 gallon garbage can, fill it up with water, tip it slightly, knock on the door and run! Bamm..... WIPEOUT! Your neighbors will either a) do the manly thing and get back at you b) be scared of you like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas wished everyone was of him, or c) cry and run to protect the power cords that are quickly absorbing more water than Roseanne retains water when she's sitting down.
Apparently someone just IM'ed me with the screen name of NibaBaseba11 and told me I was fired. That's the only thing this league was missing, another imposter, another nobody who likes to play games. You want to play games eh...well, in *Scarface voice* say hello to my little friend.... (as you can say, I apparently like mobster movies, don't you).... and say hello to the team with a new motto this year, "Vive les expos m**** f****'s!"
So yeah I'm hoping for a good year from my squad, hard to believe since I keep IM'ing you trying to unload the players I don't want only to get responses back for players that I want to keep, and then either ignoring your IM, or you signing off before I respond. So for those of you that just thought I kept passing out on my computer because of various overdoses on whatever you thought I was taking, get your mind out of the f'en gutter!
Isn't this an ugly logo? I think it is... to tell you the truth, up until the age of 14 I thought it said elb, only to later realize that it stood for expos Montreal baseball. Silly me....
So here's the lowdown on my team and whose been dealt so far, and whose come into the club, and what else has been going down. All I know is that one guy I dealt a while ago, Cliff Lee, seems to be being traded a lot...
Who's Out: Who's In:
OF Dee Brown P Hideki Irabi
1B Wil Cordero P Ron Mahay
SP Chris Young 1B Matt Franco
OF Matt Cepicky P Rodrigo Lopez
OF Peter Bergeron 1B Eric Karros
OF Brad Wilkerson OF Sammy Sosa
OF Jose Macias RP Kelvim Escobar
OF Val Pascucci SS Mike Bordick
SP Cliff Lee P Valerie De Los Santos
SP Clint Everts OF Brandon Berger
SP Seung Song OF Raul Ibanez
OF Endy Chavez
As you guys can all see we have one to great depths to ensure that we can do something with this work and hopefully either make the playoffs, or if we do, actually bring home a title. We've begun to shift the youth movement towards a superstar movement, and we are going to work hard to ensure that this team can actually get people to watch it at the stadium and on TV, and that we can win some games...WOO HOO! Go Expocitos....
And now for the offense.... I can tell you all this BS about how it's one of the best and all of this but I'll just tell you the negatives. I lack speed after the top of the lineup, I lack left-handed hitters in the lineup, Vladimir Guerrero will probably fall down with some freak injury or blow out of his knee in the first two weeks, Raul Ibanez will catch syphillis and die halfway through the season, and Jose Vidro will get locked in a whorehouse and suffer a fiery death. One of these is bound to happen....but which one....
At Catcher this season, we'er going to have a little platoon, with the R-L combo of Barrett and Schneider. Both are young, both have no speed, and both have pretty decent hitting ability. In the test sim, Barrett had an all-star esque season with a .313 BA, 22 HR, and 79 RBI. Now that's Major League Balla right there.
At 1st Basemen, we have two more capable players. Eric Karros and Matt Franco had off the hook Test-Sim Seasons, and in this lineup and with the pitches they'll be seeing I don't doubt for a second they can come close to that uncanny ability to knock in those runs, hit HR's, and get on base. Franco had the better year and is 2 year's younger, so we may see him get the nod at 1st basemen. If all else fails, and god forbid, we have an injury, Franco has the ability to step in at 3B and LF.
At 2nd Base, Jose Vidro, the 27 year old superstar will have a chance to hold down the #2 slot and show the city of Montreal that he is their man. He doesnt strike out much, gets on base, and is able to hit for contact and power, as evidenced by his 31 HR and 118 RBI. As for a back-up, its our backup pretty much at all the infield positions, Edwards Guzman, who provides a pretty solid rating for a utility man wit ha 65 CH, and decent defensive skills all across the board. Henry Mateo is also chilling down in AAA and is a rcoket on the basepaths.
At SHortstop, we have one of the best leadoff men in the game, Orlando Cabrera. Cabrera has it all, the ability to hit, play defense, steal bases... and he's only 28! Mmm I love this team!
Third Base this season is going to be a toss-up between my boy Fernando Tatis and Matt Franco... whoever shows that they have the heart, hittin ability, and dedication to manage the spot is going to get the job.... if this were the AL one could be the DH but we may have some problems here.... Maybe it will invoke the best out of them to play their hardest, or just be a calling for a trade...
The Expos Outfield is one of the best in the NIBA, I don't care waht Garrett says about his :-)... Ibanez, Sosa, and Vladi Guerrero provide 3 all-stars out there and I can't wait to see these guys hit in my lineup. Watch out NIBA pitchers, they're going to get you!
Pitching
The biggest thing that I felt needed to, and still needs to be worked on, is my pitching staff. The offense is pretty set with every player in the lineup practically able to hit around .300, at least 20 HR, and manage to swipe a few bases. That's not the problem, but if your pitchers are giving up more runs than e-coli cases from local street vendors, you know something's gotta be up. So I've tried to make the pitching and the bullpen better by bringing in some live arms, and hopefully we can see them work out their kinks and do their thing.
Opening Day Starting Rotation stacks up to be:
P Javier Vasquez
P Orlando Hernandez
P Rodrigo Lopez
P Livan Hernandez
P Tony Armas
The rotation isn't one of the greatest, but it certainly has the ability to get wins. All of them are capable of winning 20 games in my opinion with the pitches they maintain, but I doubt they'll all do it, or for that matter, if even one will do it. I've been shopping Livan Hernandez around, as well as Tony Armas, seeing if I can land a bigger fish, but no ones bitten so far. The pitching staff is also relatively young, with Vasquez, Lopez, and Armas maintaining potential beyond the roof. It looks to be an Okay year with this staff, but is it enough? Tomo Okha could also break the rotation at some point this year should things get tough.
As for the bullpen, I think this bullpen is one of the best in the league at this point. Zach Day, Tomo Okha, Claudio Vargas, Joey Eischen, Hideki Irabu, Scott Stewart, Kelvim Escobar, Dan Smith, and Rocky Biddle will all crack in at one point or another and get some time. Look for Day to hold down Long Relief, while Dan Smith, Claudio Vargas, Tomo Okha, and Kelvim Escobar compete for Mid-Relief, Biddle and Eischen set-up, and Irabi and Stewart close. It looks like it's going to be a good year in Montreal.... but how good?
Can we win the NL East, or the NL Wild Card.... only time will tell.
-Vive les expos!